Don't Eat The Twinkies
by DarkSabertooth
Summary: When Bobby eats some of Hank's experimental Twinkies he gets the mother of all sugar highs with devestating consequences, for the other X-Men that is.
1. Default Chapter

**Don't Eat the Twinkies**

****

"Oh stars and garters Bobby, why did you have to go and perform such a reckless and foolhardy act of gluttony?"

"Hey chill Hank, I'll admit those were probably yours but it was only a few Twinkies."

"Those old friend were no ordinary Twinkies but the result of my latest scientific endeavor. Those Twinkie's were a hundred times more potent than the mundane variety and you will now have a sugar high of prodigious proportions. Oh stars and garters, this is worse than Apocalypse," gulped Hank going deathly pale underneath his fur.

Bobby laughed and slapped Hank on the back deciding that his friend was just mad about him having filched some of his favorite snacks. Yes Hank was just trying to scare him to get his own back and so Bobby walked off nonchalantly not realizing that Hank had been deadly serious. Not even Hank could have guessed what he was about to be unleashed upon the unsuspecting X-Men.

He was about halfway down the stairs when the effects started to kick in. His eyes seemed to light up with manic intensity and almost insane glee and a wild grin spread over his face. He stopped and suddenly howled like a wolf before breaking down in a fit of giggling. Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes he struck a dramatic pose and thumped his fist against his chest grinning triumphantly.

"Yeah the Iceman rules!" yelled Bobby at the top of his lungs.

"Stars and garters, I am become death the destroyer of worlds or whatever it was that Oppenheimer said," moaned Hank too flustered to remember the exact quotation. He buried his head in his furry arms and began very quietly to sob.

Logan meanwhile was about to become Iceman's first victim and the hapless feral never suspected a thing. He was looking forward to a nice chilled beer straight from out the fridge when it suddenly became a little too chilled for his liking, frozen solid within the can. Snarling Logan popped out his claws and looked around for the culprit.

"Yer going ta get a taste of my claws fer messing with my beer Popsicle," snarled the far from happy feral.

"Hey just chill would you Logan, actually I'll give you a little help there," chuckled Bobby. 

Reaching out he touched one of Logan's sideburns freezing it solid. Logan was too stunned with Bobby's sheer audacity to react as his frozen sideburn snapped off and shattered on the floor. Messing with Logan's sideburns was a guaranteed death sentence and as Bobby stood with hands on hips laughing his head off a distinctly murderous expression was set on Logan's face. Lips curled back in a fearsome snarl and hazel eyes burning with rage, Logan growled ominously and unsheathed his claws. He lunged at Bobby who iced up and instantly chunks of ice went flying as Logan's claws slashed across his chest. Fortunately Bobby was able to reform himself but if he wasn't careful he would end up as ice cubes. He formed his iceslide to make a rapid escape with the snarling feral in hot pursuit.

"Hey Wolvster can't you take a joke?" wailed Bobby.

"There ain't going ta be no mercy fer ya bub, not after what ya did ta my whiskers!"

Unfortunately for Logan he was too enraged to notice Bobby's newly created ice slick on the corridor floor and he slipped ending up on his posterior while a madly laughing Bobby made a clean getaway. Logan growled and yelled threats of the removal of various body parts from Bobby. Logan was still snarling when Hank came and helped him to his feet nearly getting a claw through the chest for his trouble. Logan finally calmed down and listened as Hank explained what had happened to Bobby.

"So what ya trying to tell me is that thanks ta yer little experiment Bobby is now on the mother of all sugar highs? What the hell were ya thinking?"

"I can assure you Logan that the effects are purely temporary and I estimate the cessation of Bobby's exhilarated state in approximately five or six hours. Still with Bobby's penchant for pranks he could wreak untold havoc within that time. Oh stars and garters, I think he was heading for the women's shower room. Now he's sure to meet with a frosty reception if he pulls that little prank again," muttered Hank as he scratched his chin.

"Yeah, Rogue's taking her shower and ya know she makes me look like a kitty cat when she gets annoyed,"

Bobby paused and watched Rogue through the shower door. Of course she was obscured by the steam and frosted glass but he still caught glimpses of her beautiful figure. She was presently washing that lovely brown hair with its distinctive streak of white, her southern drawl crooning one of her favorite songs. She looked so happy and at peace enjoying her shower that Bobby hardly had the heart to ruin it for her. Still a determined prankster never let his conscience get in the way of the pursuit of fun. Besides this was too good an opportunity to miss. All he had to do was reach out and touch the pipe to the hot water tank. A loud scream was heard as the water ran ice cold.

"What in tarnation? Bobby, ah'm going tah give y'all a hiding fer this!"

Bobby created another ice slide and since his back was turned missed the sight of Rogue flying after him naked but for the towels she had draped around herself. One who did notice was Remy who thought he had died and gone to heaven. Somewhat ashamed by his thoughts he decided he needed to have a cold shower and got one even colder than he had bargained for.

"Merde, dis is de work of monsieur Drake, Remy going to teach you a lesson now mon ami."

If he had been in a more rational frame of mind Bobby would perhaps have realized that angering three of the most dangerous X-Men and having them all out for his blood at the same time was not really a very sensible thing to do. Still if that thought had even crossed Bobby's mind for an instant he just didn't care. After all he was the Iceman and nothing and nobody could stop him.

"Yeah I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do is cause havoc!" yelled Bobby.

Logan heard him from the other end of the mansion and it took all of Hank's considerable strength to restrain the now berserk feral. Suffice to say that Bobby's stealing of his catch phrase was the final straw as far as Logan was concerned.

"Stars and garters, I have really created a monumental fiasco with this little endeavor. Whatever could I have been thinking off letting him into my lab when there were Twinkies about? After all he's one of the three Twinkie addicts in the mansion along with Jubilee and my bouncing blue self. Of course he would be unable to resist the temptation and he can be bad enough when he's on an ordinary sugar high. Now I've as good as destroyed all hope for peace and sanity,"

Hank banged his fist against the wall in frustration smashing a hole straight through it. Sighing heavily he was about to get back to his lab and try his best to come up with an antidote when he heard Logan's muttered curse. Turning he saw the feral had gone as white as a sheet and there was a most unfamiliar emotion written over his face, pure unadulterated terror.

"Logan what is the matter?"

"Ya know Hank, I've just thought, what the flaming hell is going ta happen if Jubilee joins up with him. Ya know how much trouble those two can cause when they work together."

Logan's words proved prophetic for even as he spoke Bobby had found Jubilee and together they were planning a prank war the likes of which had never been seen before. The chaos was only just beginning.


	2. Double The Trouble

**Double the Trouble**

****

"So Jubilee who do you reckon we should make the first targets of our little prank war?"

"The Boy Scout and the Red Menace of course, who else would you, think? I mean they can be so mean, like grounding me and giving me chores just because I borrowed her credit card, I mean it was only a $ 500 overdraft and they were great clothes. I don't know why Scott got so angry either just because I blew up the VCR and asked him if the pole up his you know where was hurting him when he gave me the lecture,"

Bobby gave Jubilee a sympathetic hug when she had finished her little rant. She smiled at him and gave him her best puppy dog eyes look. It could melt even Logan's heart so Bobby stood no chance whatsoever. He smiled back and his devious mind came up with the perfect prank to play on them both. 

"Yeah, man I'm a genius and Hank can eat his fuzzy blue heart out, because I'm the Prankster king!" he chuckled.

"What have you thought of Bobby and when do we get started?"

"Well I'll need you to distract Hank while I borrow a couple of phials from his lab. Let's just say they're some of his experiments he's created when he's bored and they've got great potential!"

Jubilee chuckled and went off to work her magic on Hank. The unfortunate fuzzy blue scientist was far too compassionate and tender hearted to resist her when she turned on the charm.

"Well every Jubilee needs her Beast," purred Jubilee.

Hank was in his laboratory racking his brains to come up with a suitable Twinkies antidote. In fact he'd already come up with one and he just had to wait for the chemical cocktail to complete its reaction and form the serum. The main problem was coming up with a suitable plan for successfully injecting Bobby, no easy task with his present sugar high. To help him think Hank was eating some mundane Twinkies and reading a novel, holding it with his feet to leaving one hand free for picking Twinkies while the other absently doodled. Hank was still quite pale beneath his fur and in fact he was so nervous that he was shedding slightly. He looked up suddenly as he heard a knock on the door, blue eyes blinking in surprise.

"Hank it's me Jubilee, may I come in?"

"Of course you may dear," said Hank a gentle smile playing on his lips, he was always happy to see Jubilee. The door opened and she came in, perching next to him on the table and looking very concerned about him.

"Oh Hank, you poor baby, would you like me to give you a stroke to make it feel better?"

"Thank you Jubilee, I would like that very much."

Hank closed his eyes in contentment as Jubilee gently stroked the soft silky blue fur on his arms, scratching him behind his ears. Actually she had been genuinely concerned about Hank and she saw this as making sure everybody won. Hank's worries and stress were soothed away while Bobby had a clear run at collecting his serums. He had chosen two, one a very powerful laxative and purgative while the other was a depilatory lotion which was for Hank's bad fur days. Jubilee and Bobby had thought up some very devious uses for these substances. Bobby gave her thumbs up sign and a roguish grin before he departed the lab as stealthily as he arrived.

"Goodbye Hank, have a nice sleep," whispered Jubilee as she saw Hank was now snoozing contentedly. She planted a kiss on his furry cheek before making her own exit from the room, walking straight into a rather stern Logan.

"Oh hi Wolvie, what happened to your sideburns?"

"Bobby did and when I get my hands on him I'm going to give him a taste of my claws. What were ya up ta in Hank's lab darlin?" growled Logan.

"Oh Wolvie please don't be angry with me. I just thought Hank looked sad and worried so I went to see if he was alright. After all he's my friend," said Jubilee turning on the puppy dog eyes.

"Well as long as ya ain't going ta get up ta mischief," mumbled Logan wiping a tear from his eye. She gave him a sweet smile and went on her way suppressing the urge to laugh. It was so easy to manipulate those two into doing exactly what she wanted. Now it was time to put the first stages of the prank war in action.

Bobby grinned as he carefully emptied out the contents of Jean's bottle of hair dye and replaced it with the depilatory notion. Everyone knew that Jean's red hair had started to go gray and that she needed the dye to maintain the illusion. Of course you had to be very careful to think that you didn't know her hair was dyed. It never paid to think the wrong thoughts around a telepath. Still in a way Bobby was doing Jean Grey a favor. All the problems she had with her hair would soon disappear. Since the depilatory lotion was powerful enough to leave even Logan hairless she would need a wig for weeks to come.

"Oh I just love being me," chuckled Bobby.

"Right Bobby onto phase two. Let's make Scott Summers a nice hot cup of coffee with a little extra something. Good thing that he takes cream since it will help to disguise the taste," said Jubilee.

A short while later Jubilee was presenting Scott with some coffee. He was pleasantly surprised and not a little suspicious by this since normally she never did anything without you asking her. Still she seemed quite subdued and contrite so he took it that she was looking to make up for her earlier misbehavior. Well maybe he would be a little lenient with her now that he knew she was sorry and let her off cleaning out the toilets.

"Thank you Jubilee this is just the way I like it. I see you can be a responsible young woman after all."

"Yeah Cyke and I'm really sorry about smart mouthing you yesterday. You're not really a Boy Scout and I was only expressing Logan's opinion of you not my own. Shall I go and clean out the bathroom for you now?"

"I really don't think that will be necessary Jubilee. Now this is a really good cup of coffee," said Scott placing the now empty mug down on the table.

Suddenly he went quite pale, leapt out of his chair suddenly in desperate need of the toilet. Fortunately he reached the bathroom just in time where he was occupied for the next couple of hours. Jubilee smiled smugly and went off to congratulate her partner in crime who was waiting outside Jean's door. They heard a loud angry shriek and decided it was best to depart since Jean sounded in a rather bad mood.

A fuming and now completely bald Jean Grey stormed out of her room in a murderous rage. She could pick up Jubilee and Bobby's thoughts and knew exactly who was to blame for her present predicament. Sensing particularly anguished thoughts from her beloved husband she knew that he too had fallen victim to the arch-pranksters. 

"Merde, what is dis Remy wonder. Is it dat Charles Xavier is cross-dressing or do all telepaths have to be bald?" Remy tried and failed miserably to stifle a giggle. Jean had been looking for somebody to punish and the unfortunate Cajun became her chosen victim. As his own trench coat started making a determined attempt to throttle him, Remy decided that in future he would keep his mouth shut.

"Hank sugah, yah have tah wake up now. Jubilee and Bobby are up tah their tricks again," said Rogue, her gloved hand gently shaking the furry shoulder.

"Stars and garters, two of my serums are missing!" roared Hank instantly awake.

"Ah know and those two varmints used them on Scott and Jean,"

"Oh stars and garters, this is not good, this is not good at all."


	3. Alas Poor Bishop

**Alas Poor Bishop**

****

"Hey Bobby take a look at this, Bishop is like a complete fashion disaster. Have they lost all sense of style in the future? I mean you wouldn't see Wolvie wearing these," said Jubilee in tones dripping with disgust.

She held up the offending item, a pair of striped boxer shorts in green and orange which were even more nauseating than some of Bobby's shirts. Bobby wrinkled his nose and nodded his agreement. Privately he wondered how Jubilee knew what type of underwear Logan wore; probably it was one of those things that it was better not to know. His eyes lit up and he whooped as he came across something far more interesting and he snatched it up.

"Hey check this baby out Jubilee, this is a great toy," chuckled Bobby as he waved the gun around pretending to shoot it.

"I think you might want to put that back Bobby," whispered Jubilee.

Looking up Bobby found he was staring down the barrel of an even more menacing pistol pointed firmly at his chest by Bishop who didn't look in the least amused. A frown was set on Bishop's face and his beard was bristling as he growled menacingly. 

"So you like my guns do you Iceman? Well if you don't put Bessie down, I'll blow a hole straight through you," growled Bishop.

"You named your gun Bessie? Man you are one disturbed individual,"

Bishop's frown grew even deeper at Jubilee's little comment and Bobby took the opportunity to ice up. Now if Bishop was just distracted for a few seconds more he'd have time to use a little Iceman magic.

"I could say the same thing about you young lady seeing as you've been going through my underwear," 

"Wow, the psychotic paranoid gun-toting maniac thinks he's a psych now does he?" said Bobby sarcastically.

Bishop snarled, his patience and temper now lost and seeing that Bobby was in ice form decided to blast him. After all he knew that Iceman could put himself back together again but it would teach him a lesson. He wasn't quite mad enough at Bobby to kill him yet but he would be after the latest little stunt. He hadn't realized that his gun barrel was iced up and Jubilee and Bobby dove for cover just in time as the gun blew up in Bishop's face.

"He who pranks and runs away lives to prank another day," muttered Bobby as he and Jubilee ran through the door nearly bowling over Logan.

"Sorry Wolvie, I didn't see you," 

"I'd come ta see what yer getting up too darlin and I reckon Popsicle ought ta come with me."

"Sorry must dash," called Bobby forming an ice slide and scooping up Jubilee. They made a swift getaway as the stunned Logan could only stand and watch. At that moment a very angry Bishop now fully charged up with energy smashed open his door firing off a blast which hit Logan full in his face. Bishop gulped nervously as he suddenly comprehended the depth of his mistake.

The skin of Logan's face was only slightly scorched and already beginning to heal but the hair was a different story. The wild shaggy black hair on his scalp and those luxuriant muttonchops that gave him such a distinctive appearance were burnt away entirely. What's more even his eyebrows and stubble had been scorched off. In fact he was about as hairless as Xavier. Of course his healing factor would mean that his hair soon grew back but that didn't alter the fact that he was angry. Logan's lips pulled back in a savage snarl, exposing sharp canines and his hazel eyes glittered with savage feral bloodlust. 

"I'm sorry Logan, I wasn't aiming for you."

"Yer in fer it now sonny boy!" snarled Logan leaping on the larger man and trying to use his claws to give Bishop a very close shave.

"Do you think we ought to make ourselves scarce Bobby?"

"No let's stay and watch the fight. Man this is great!" chuckled Bobby. This kept them amused for about five minutes after which they thought up a new prank and made their way upstairs to the attic and Ororo's precious plants.

Jean Grey was not a happy woman at the moment and tears ran from her eyes as she gazed into the mirror. She was completely bald and she was going to need a wig for weeks now. Hank had assured her that he would work on a new serum to restore her hair but somehow she sensed it wasn't a priority to him. He said that her hair would grow back naturally over the next few weeks but that wasn't the point. She loved her red hair, even if it did need a little help from dye and it was the most beautiful thing about her. How would Scott cope if he wasn't able to admire her beautiful hair? He had been no help to her either; she hadn't sensed much sympathy in his thoughts when she contacted him telepathically. Well he might have been a little occupied but surely he wasn't so selfish that he couldn't support his wife when she was going through a crisis. Just because you were dosed up with laxatives was no real excuse for neglecting her. Then Remy walked into the room sans trench coat and handed her a small box.

"Hello chere, Remy like to say dat he is sorry for de distress his remarks cause earlier. Remy so very sorry, sil vous plait but he want to make it up to you with dis," said Remy opening the box to reveal a red wig which he placed on her head.

"Why thank you Remy," purred Jean kissing him.

"Merci chere," said Remy fingers brushing against her wig. Too late Jean heard the familiar hum as Remy rushed out of the room before the wig exploded.

"You're going to die for this swamp rat!" shrieked Jean having telekinetically flung off the wig just in time.

"Dat will never happen chere!" laughed the Cajun.

Hank sighed heavily as he came across the still battling Bishop and Logan. They were rolling around on the floor together kicking and punching and didn't even notice as Hank loped towards them. Grabbing one in each hand he yanked them up by their collars and just held them apart until they stopped struggling. Them he just let them hang limply unable to break free of his grip until they rather sheepishly asked to be let down.

"He burnt off my muttonchops," growled Logan.

"Stars and garters, you're hair has already grown back and look what you did to Bishop, his chin's a mass of what looks like little razor cuts. What on earth were you trying to do to him?"

"Seeing how he liked having all his hair taken off bub," said Logan who now at least had the grace to look embarrassed.

"That looks sore Bishop, come down to the infirmary and I'll put some antiseptic cream on for you," said Hank.

"You don't need to mother me Beast; they're only a few little scratches. You ought to put that psychotic midget on tranquilizers," snapped Bishop.

"I'm going ta give ya a real taste o' the claws now bub," snarled Logan.

"Gentlemen please remember that you are X-Men not X-Babies, now settle down or do I need to hold you off the ground again?"

Bishop and Logan looked sheepish and then both slunk off muttering under their breath. Hank sighed and shrugged his furry shoulders. If he got any more stressed he really was going to start shedding. Still hopefully Logan and Bishop would be quiet now they had indulged in their little macho display and there would be no more testosterone overdoses that day.

"Well not only have I had to deal with Bobby but I've just had to talk Jean out of killing Remy for the second time this day. Stars and garters, I think my cranium will spontaneously combust," groaned Hank.

"By the Goddess, what have you done with my poor plants? I know you're the one behind this early frost Bobby," said Ororo.

A lightning bolt was flung and caught Bobby on the seat of his pants setting them ablaze. Yelping he iced up putting the fire out but then was caught up in a hurricane force wind and flung straight out of the nearest window. He landed with a loud splash in the swimming pool displacing half the water. A sodden and thoroughly dejected Bobby dragged himself out of the pool looking like a drowned rat. His ardor was somewhat cooled now and he didn't feel like any more pranks at the moment. At least not for the next half hour or so, he thought and then the Iceman would have his revenge.

Ororo turned to Jubilee and for once the blue eyes were stern and quite without compassion.

"As for you child, I am very disappointed with you. Logan will hear of this," she said.

"Oh but Stormie," moaned Jubilee.

"Also you're grounded,"


	4. If One Was Bad,How About Three?

**If One Was Bad, How About Three**

****

Ororo was looking forward to a relaxing session in the Danger Room although she was feeling slightly guilty about handing Jubilee over to Hank. Still she had had no other choice since Logan was still hovering on the point of berserker rage, Scott was otherwise engaged and Jean was bemoaning the loss of her hair. Now happy at last to have escaped the madness and wanting to work out her anger over the fate of her plants Ororo stepped into the Danger Room blissfully unaware of the 'adjustments' that Bobby had made to it's programming. 

"By the Goddess, what infamy is this!" shrieked Ororo as she was mobbed by a horde of X-Babies as the Mojoworld simulation began. She was mobbed and the effect was quite claustrophobic. Biting back her fear she slammed the door controls frantically trying to open the door but it wouldn't open. She was dragged away and nobody heard her screams for help. It would be hours before they found her shivering and sobbing in the corner reduced to a nervous wreck.

"Ya know I'm sure that they're still a bit ragged. No matter how many times I give 'em a trim they still manage ta grow back with some chunks missing," growled Logan as he sheathed his claws, having given himself his third shave in as many minutes. The hair grew back every time but never quite to his satisfaction.

"Who cares about your muttonchops, I mean you've still got plenty of hair while I'm as bald as the Professor, "sobbed Jean as she gazed into her mirror.

"Why don't ya give me the mirror darlin, yer only going ta upset yourself by keep looking in it," said Logan reaching out and taking the mirror from her.

The mirror was telekinetically ripped from his grip and Logan growled angrily. Losing his temper he slashed out at Jean's latest wig with his claws shearing straight through it. With a screech Jean flailed angrily at him grabbing hold of one of Logan's sideburns and yanking on it hard, trying to peel it off hair by hair. At this point Remy entered the room and decided to give Logan a spot of assistance by throwing a kinetically charged bottle of red hair dye at Jean. It exploded spattering her with the dye and ruining her dress.

"Ya see darlin, now we can call ya the Red Menace," chuckled Logan.

"Oui mon ami, she certainly red in de face now, dat is de truth is it not chere," chuckled Remy.

"You two are so immature," sniffed Jean stalking out of the room with as much dignity as she could muster.

Bobby was feeling bored with playing pranks at the moment, it wasn't nearly as much fun when your chosen victim had no sense of humor and could hit harder than you could. Still he had prepared a little revenge for Ororo, the thought of which sent him rolling around on the ground overcome by a fit of laughter. He rolled straight into the swimming pool with a loud splash and dragged himself out for the second time that night. He shrugged not bothered about getting a little damp; it was hardly likely that he'd catch a cold after all. The only thing bothering him was that he had now ruined his sneakers but that was a minor concern. He amused himself by icing up the pool and creating ice statues of the X-Men including a giant one of him with Hank, his best friend. Smiling he decided that he would go out and look for trouble.

Shortly afterwards a fully iced up Bobby was speeding along on his ice slide when he came across a familiar sight. Victor Creed was just walking along carrying a six pack of beer obviously intending to drink it in peace. Normally even Bobby would have the sense to leave Victor Creed alone but tonight he was feeling reckless. Speeding up he instantly froze the beer drawing an angry growl from Sabretooth.

"Yer going ta regret that Popsicle," snarled the angry feral.

Bobby laughed and started chucking snowballs at Creed. Snow in his eyes momentarily blinded Creed and Bobby darted up and froze Creed's sideburns before snapping them off, the same as he had with Wolverine. Predictably Creed was now in a frothing frenzy and would only be sated after he had ripped Iceman into very small pieces. A sane man would have turned and fled at this point and certainly wouldn't have stayed around. Bobby took this one step further by mortally insulting Creed.

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty, does kitty want some milk?" called Bobby.

"I'll rip ya ta shreds bub," growled Creed.

"Aw ain't he the cutest little kitty you ever saw," crooned Bobby blowing Creed a kiss.

Then he turned his back fleeing on his ice slide with Creed in hot pursuit, snarling and growling and frothing at the mouth in rage. Expecting any mercy from Sabretooth now was about as likely as Hank giving up Twinkies for life. Creed was out for Bobby's blood and a good fight with plenty of killing and maiming. Bobby in his infinite wisdom was leading him straight to the mansion.

"No Jubilee I'm not angry with you but I am disappointed. I expected better of you and certainly had hoped that you wouldn't abet Bobby in stealing my experiments. Now I'll admit that it was quite amusing but even so I hope you realize that such behavior is more appropriate to a five year old than a young woman like you. You know I count on you to be a more mature influence on Bobby," Hank's words were gentle and there was no sternness in his tone.

Still Jubilee could see the hurt in his gentle blue eyes and there was sadness in her voice. Knowing that she had let Hank down, her second best friend after Wolvie had far more effect on her than any number of lectures from Scott or Jean. She felt emotions normally quite alien to her, guilt and shame. She hung her head and avoided meeting Hank's gaze.

"Hank I'm sorry," whispered Jubilee.

Hank knew she meant those words and despite the fact that he should be angry he was too compassionate to let himself feel that anger. He placed his arms around her giving a gentle hug, tears staining the soft blue fur. He forgave her as he always did, knowing only too well that in some ways he was as much of a child as she was. After all he would admit he enjoyed playing the occasional prank and it had been quite funny when Jean Grey became a bald telepath.

"I forgive you Jubilee. Come on let's masticate upon a few libations to encourage a buoyancy of spirits, a certain sugary confection ought to suffice," he said with a grin.

Jubilee's eyes lit up as did Hanks at the thought of Twinkies. Hank loped over to the cupboard taking out the Twinkies he had gathered earlier from his laboratory forgetting that he had included the last remaining experimental Twinkie's among them. As Jubilee and Hank began wolfing down the snacks they little realized what was about to happen.

"Thank goodness that's finally over, now all I have to put up with is my wife moaning about her hair, Logan in a lousy mood and a manic Iceman. Still that's par for the course around here," chuckled Scott.

Then his eyes went wide behind his visor as he saw Jubilee running cackling down the corridor firing off random bursts of fireworks. She stopped dead in front of him pointing an accusing finger at him and striking a dramatic pose.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I am Apocalypse," shrieked Jubilee at the top of her voice.

"Oh hell she must have eaten a Twinkie," groaned Scott as Jubilee rushed off firing more fireworks in all directions. A piercing scream announced that another of Jean's wigs was the latest casualty.

Sweating Scott burst into Hank's laboratory and looked round anxiously for any sign of Beast.

"Hank, we need your help, Jubilee's eaten one of your Twinkies!"

He heard a low ominous growl and looked up to see Hank hanging off the ceiling face twisted in a menacing snarl. There was a distinctly feral look about him and Scott found his pulse racing as a chill of fear found its way into his heart.

"Hank, are you alright?" gulped Scott

"Henry McCoy no longer exists, there is only the Beast. You dear boy shall be my first victim," snarled Hank.

"Oh my stars and garters, to borrow a phrase," whispered Scott suddenly feeling in desperate need of the bathroom again.


	5. Nobody Knows The Trouble We Face

**Nobody Knows the Trouble We Face**

****

"Now Hank why don't you just settle down and we can talk about this and work something out. I don't want to have to hurt you," said Scott in a half pleading/ half soothing tone.

Hank simply grinned exposing his sharp fangs and then threw back his head howling like a wolf. His grin grew even wider as he sensed Scott's fear. Poor Scott he really must be confused at the change that had come over his old friend. Well he need not worry any longer as Hank was going to give him a more immediate concern. Growling and snarling ferociously he leapt down landing right in front of Scott who nearly had a nervous breakdown. He circled Scott slowly and then suddenly lunged forward as though about to tear out the mutant's throat. Panicked now Scott fired his optic blast but Hank leapt aside.

"You'll have to do better than that to beat the best or should I say beast there is Cyke," 

"Damn it Hank you're not a feral,"

"Oh dear boy you have to admit I look like an animal so now I'm going to start acting like one. I suggest you run," growled Hank crouching down as though about to spring. As an afterthought he shot out his arm grabbing hold of Scott's visor and tearing it off forcing Scott to keep his eyes closed.

"Ready or not here I come!" hollered Beast as the now frantic Scott charged blindly off with Hank in hot pursuit. Of course he had no intention of hurting Scott despite his words, it was just that the urge to chase and to hunt down fleeing prey was just irresistible and the fright on Scott's face just made the game all that more rewarding. Loping along on all fours he could move far more quickly than the average human and he could have run down Scott at any moment but it was more fun to let the prey think he had a chance to escape. As it was he let Scott get as far as the lounge before he decided to be merciful and end Scott's agony. The poor man was just about ready to collapse, gasping for breath, heart pounding, sweat pouring down his face and convinced one of his oldest friends was about to rip his throat out. The next thing he knew he was pinned helplessly to the ground with Hank's heavy weight settled on his chest.

"That was a fine chase Scott but alas for you the hunt is over."

"Hank if there's any of the old you still in there then, well I guess begging for mercy is going to be useless so just make it quick please."

"Oh Scott I was never going to hurt you, I was just having some fun with you. Here let me put this back on for you," soothed Hank bounding onto the sofa and carefully replacing Scott's visor.

"So it was a game and you weren't going to rip my throat out. You ate one of the Twinkies didn't you," whispered Scott. His terror mounted as Hank gave him a solemn nod.

"Yeah I did and stars and garters, but I feel great. I wish I'd unleashed the animal inside me a long time ago. Now don't worry I'm not going to have a berserker rage like Logan but I do feel the urge to go a little wild right about now. I've barely started warming up. Hey Scott old friend, are you alright?" 

Scott unfortunately had fainted and was unable to answer. Shaking his head Hank grabbed hold of Scott's ankle and began to drag him back to the infirmary. Obviously the new side to Hank had proven too much for him to handle.

"Unhand me nasty animal! I am Apocalypse and I will not treated thus by the likes of you. Let go of me I said, I have a world to destroy!"

"Sorry darlin but ya gonna have ta come with me fer yer own good. Ya really not yer self Jubilee but don't ya worry, I'm going ta look after ya."

"The name is Apocalypse not Jubilee you runt!"

"No need fer ya ta get personal darlin," growled Logan.

At present he was half dragging the furious Jubilee along keeping a firm but gentle grip on her arm. Fortunately she had stopped shooting off her plasma blasts preferring to resort to verbal protests. Logan's burns were still healing and for the second time that day his hair had been burnt off. He'd also had to deal with Jean, apoplectic with rage at having another wig destroyed. She'd nearly used her telekinesis to hurl Jubilee out of the window and he'd only just talked her out of ramming a table leg down his throat. Now he was just hoping that Hank would be able to come up with an antidote to bring Jubilee around from her delusion.

"Release me feral for I am Apocalypse and you are as nothing before. I was the first of all mutants growing old centuries before you were born and I shall be around long after you are dust in the grave. Release me and you may have the honor of becoming my horseman."

"Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Now come on darlin,"

"How dare you refer to the High Lord in so familiar a tone?"

Logan growled at Jubilee shutting her up momentarily probably through amazement at his audacity rather than through fear. Oh well at least she hadn't thought she Sinister, Scott and Jean had enough problems at the moment. He was thinking about how to explain this to Hank when the lovable bouncing blue fur-ball leapt out at him and lifted him of his feet in a massive bear-hug. Jubilee stood watching with a raised eyebrow.

"What the flamin hell do ya think yer doing Hank?"

"Just greeting my beloved brother dear feral. After all we are alike in many ways you and I, we have the same hairstyle including sideburns, same color eyes, you have nearly as much hair as I have. I'm also now as wild at heart as you are and you have to admit our powers are somewhat similar. Like you my senses are highly acute and I do heal quicker than most."

"We're going ta put that to the test if ya don't put me down right now," snarled Logan.

Hank bellowed with laughter, setting Logan down on his feet somewhat gently and staggering him with a friendly pat on the back. Logan caught his breath and caught a glimpse of Hank's eyes. The warmth and compassion was still there but Logan sensed something new, something feral.

"What say you brother that we go and wreak some righteous havoc and let our feral sides loose in the woods outside?" suggested Hank.

"Ya know I could do with a little letting of steam. Now why don't ya stay here Jubilee and stay out of trouble."

"Foolish mortal I am Apocalypse!" boomed Jubilee.

"Whatever," growled Logan.

Bobby was beginning to think he'd lost Creed when something heavy landed on his back, the weight smashing his ice slide and sending him tumbling to the ground. He was thankful to still be in his ice form as Creed's claws slashed across his chest sending chunks of ice flying. If he had been flesh that blow would have ripped open his chest and it would have all been over. He sent a wave of ice at Creed but he was barely slowing the man in his tracks. He just kept striding onwards, the cuts and frostbite healing before Bobby's eyes. Sabretooth coolly snapped off the icicles hanging from his sideburns and tossed them aside. Bobby had now completely lost his bravado and reverted to panic.

"Not so tough are ya now kid. I see ya lead me back ta yer home, good since now all yer pals get ta see ya die Popsicle."

"Listen Creed I'm real sorry I teased ya, why don't you let me buy you a drink and we'll call it quits," gulped Bobby.

The grimace on Creed's face was truly frightening as he swung his fist round in a haymaker cracking Bobby sharply under the jaw. He collapsed to his knees groaning and slowly reverted back to his normal form, too stunned to concentrate on his powers. Creed took a handful of his shirt claws ripping through the cotton fabric and lifted him up, barely inches from his snarling bestial visage. He smiled coldly without a single trace of warmth, clearly looking forward to the kill. He was almost tender as he tilted back Bobby's chin with a clawed finger, the better to expose the tender throat.

"Now yer going ta pay fer annoying me son, I'm going ta rip yer throat out. Since I'm feeling generous ya get a choice, claw or fang."

"Please have mercy I beg of you," whined Bobby.

"Sorry bub, no can do," purred Sabretooth.

Then something large blue and furry slammed into him and knocked him to the ground. Hank paused only to check that Bobby was alright before turning to the astonished Creed. Growling savagely he began jumping up and down on top of his prone opponent, who began howling in agony.

"You. Don't. Hurt. My. Friend. Bobby. Do. You. Hear?" growled Hank punctuating each word with another bounce.

"Wow, what got into you Hank?" asked Bobby. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find three adamantium claws pointing at his throat and Logan glaring at him.

"Now are ya going ta be a good boy and come with me or do I have ta get rough?" asked Logan.

"Alright I give," said Bobby holding up his hands in surrender.

"Good boy," said Logan.


	6. The Beast There Is At What He Does

**The Beast There Is At What He Does**

****

Creed thought he had never been so utterly humiliated in all his long life, it was one thing to be defeated by the runt in one of their usual bloodthirsty brawls but quite another to be so thoroughly subdued with such sardonic gentleness by the Beast. Of course he had to admit that Beast was stronger and even more agile than he was with claws and fangs nearly as sharp as his own. This was Henry McCoy, the lovable bouncing blue one though, not the Dark Beast. Creed could only conclude that he had just been so completely taken aback with shock that he had been unable to put up any sort of defense at all. Now he had just been given one of the most humiliating defeats of all time without a single drop of blood being spilt.

He'd been only able to lie groaning by the time Hank finished using him as a trampoline. Then the Beast had given him a wolfish grin and the glint in his eyes seemed almost feral. He'd given Creed one chance to surrender or the gloves would come off, of course he wasn't going to beg for mercy from that fur-ball and he'd simply growled. Now he wished he had begged for mercy, he would be doing so right at the very moment if he wasn't so overcome with helpless laughter. Hank had put his considerable intellect to work at devising some imaginative and quite devious punishment for him. First he'd been subjected to Hank howling like a wolf into his ears, he'd struggled but couldn't break free of the arm lock. He'd been used literally as a basketball especially painful when Hank went for a slam dunk three times in a row, he'd been drenched from being dunked into the swimming pool and worst of all had been Hank wondering exactly how many hairs there were in his sideburns by plucking them out one at a time. Now Hank was 'investigating the sensitivity of touch in feral skin' by tickling the soles of his feet.

"Are you ready to yield, capitulate, submit or even plain surrender Creed or shall I go on to your ribs next?"

"Please, haahaa, yer killin me, hohohoho, I heeheeehee, give, mercy, ahahahahahahaha!"

"Alright then I'll spare you but I suggest you leave immediately or I'll tell Logan about your little weakness," sneered Hank bounding away soon lost from sight among the trees. Creed shoved his boots and socks back on and growled angrily, he was going to make the X-Men pay somehow.

Bobby was presently not a very happy man at all especially given his current predicament. He didn't know where Logan had managed to dig that Genoshan slave collar from but he had been forced into putting it on at claw point. Then with his powers safely neutralized had there really been any need for Logan to tie him up and leave him like that. Maybe he shouldn't have grinned quite so broadly when he'd promised on his word of honor not to get up to any more mischief. It was perhaps an even worse mistake to have then slowly withdrawn a spare can of red hair dye from his pocket. Still you couldn't keep an Iceman confined for long and sooner or later he would escape.

"Just as soon as I manage to slip out of these knots and get this darn collar off, I'm really going to show you what the Iceman can do," grunted Bobby, sweat trickling down his brow as he strained to get free.

Logan was just intending to let off steam in the Danger Room when he found the door wouldn't open to his voice commands. He could just hear faint cries of help coming from within and he would recognize that voice from anywhere. Storm was locked in the Danger Room and it sounded as though she was absolutely terrified. Logan growled and unsheathed his claws; he was going to rescue her from her predicament. Ten to one as well that Bobby was behind this.

"Don't ya worry darlin, I'm coming ta save ya," called Logan slashing through the door with his adamantium claws.

His shaggy brows raised in amazement at the scene that met his eyes. The entire Danger Room was now a vast television studio instantly recognizable as the one belonging to Mojo. Miniature versions of the X-Men, the infamous X-Babies were surrounding a garish pink coffin from which muffled cries for help were emanating. Logan didn't hesitate for a moment but charged straight in, slashing left and right with his claws at the holographic munchkins. The few surviving X-Babies fled in terror from the claws as Logan then smashed open the coffin lid. He tenderly lifted out the near catatonic Storm and set her gently on her feet. Then he gave her a gentle affectionate hug.

"Yer safe now darlin, I won't anything else happen ta ya,"

"By the Goddess I can never thank you enough. When I get my hands on Bobby Drake….." 

Then she turned to Logan flung her arms around him and stooping slightly kissed him on his stubbly cheek, reward enough to the feral for saving her.

Hank had finished sharpening his claws on Jean's bedroom wall, gouging deep into the wall and leaving long ugly scratches on the plaster. He tested their sharpness by seeing how easily he could slash through her clothes including her favorite nightgown and the expensive dress Scott had bought for her birthday. He'd already wrecked her bed from bouncing on it and was just about to pull the curtains down when Jean suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Are you freaking kidding me? Hank I'm going to have your hide for this!" she screamed turning red in the face.

"Keep your hair on Jeannie, stars and garters I forgot that it's a wig," chuckled Hank.

Jean's lip quivered as though she couldn't quite bring herself to speak, she went completely crimson before turning deathly pale and slumping to the floor in a dead faint. Thinking quickly Hank shoved her into the wardrobe barring the door with a broken chair leg. She was probably not going to be too happy with him at the moment.

"Well Hank my boy what shall we do next. Oh yes beer, that's a good idea,"

Sabretooth eyed Jubilee warily, she seemed to think that she was Apocalypse and she had just offered to make him her horseman Death. Then she'd handed him a Twinkie telling him it would give him more power than he could ever dream of before rushing off. Sabretooth thoughtfully scratched the stubble on his chin and wondered just what the hell was going on with the X-Men. He popped the Twinkie into his mouth and chewed and then suddenly he felt different. Sabretooth gave a goofy grin eyes lighting up with joy and then he was rolling about on the grass purring contentedly. Sabretooth had just become a big kitty cat.

"Well thank you Hank for untying me. You do know that you're the best friend I've ever had. You're not mad at me are you, hey like that is so gross," protested Bobby as Hank gave him a lick.

"Sorry got to restrain my animal urges. Come friend let us embark upon a prank war of quite prodigious proportions."

"Now you're talking fuzz-ball," chuckled Bobby rubbing his hands together in glee.

Hank put his arm around the younger man's shoulders and then knelt telling Bobby to hop on for a piggyback ride. Bounding along at an incredible rate Hank was on the look out for the first likely victim. Seeing Remy and Rogue up ahead his furry face twisted into a mischievous grin. Yes they would be just perfect to test out his new serum.

Behind his visor Scott's eyes were wide in fear. Jubilee's face was now dusty white with the help of an alarming amount of talcum powder; her red shades were pulled down over her eyes, hair slicked back with gel and her usual yellow jacket swapped for a purple one. Apparently she had got bored with being Apocalypse and had moved onto someone new.

"Jubilee I know you're not quite yourself but if you'll just sit down quietly we'll have a little talk and get you some tranquilizers. I think you just need a little lie down and you'll be fine."

"As always Scott Summers your pathetic attempts at deception can never fool the likes of Sinister. No, you will be the subject of my latest experiment, to find if you really are as stupid as you look," boomed Jubilee.

Elsewhere in the dimension known as the Mojoverse, the obese yellow monstrosity known as Mojo was rubbing his pudgy hands with glee and blowing air kisses in his delight. The X-Men were always his biggest stars and this latest comedy act would do wonders for the appreciation figures. Now he just needed to get down there with a camera crew to get started on filming. Calling for Spiral he wondered how high a fee Hank would demand to work for him. Then he slapped his forehead, he'd almost forgot about the X-Babies, they would be all that he needed to make it perfect.

"Hank baby, you'll go far," purred Mojo kissing a photograph of the furry blue genius.


	7. Invasion Of The XBabies

**Invasion Of The X-Babies**

****

"When I get my hands on y'all sugahs yah gonna wish yah never been born!" screamed Rogue, hair now a lovely shade of purple while Remy now had hair as blue as Hank's. Hank's special serum to promote random alteration of pigmentation in hair was a complete success. Now the two miscreants were making a swift getaway as an entire deck of charged cards was thrown after them. Hank had dropped to all fours bounding along at top speed while Bobby relied on his trusty ice slide. Rogue could only watch in thwarted rage as they disappeared round a corner.

"Tarnation, looks like those varmints made a clean getaway sugah," she sighed.

"Merde, Remy feel dat he in bad need of a drink now chere," mumbled Remy.

"Yah go and do that sugah, ah'm gonna go find mahself some hair dye," replied Rogue giving Remy a gentle hug. 

Remy received a nasty surprise when he entered the kitchen and found Victor Creed waiting for him. He was even more surprised to see that for once the feral mutant didn't seem about to attack. In fact he looked very pleased to meet him, smiling all over his hairy face and almost quivering with excitement. This was partly due to Sabretooth finding a catnip bush which had caused the effects of the Twinkie to be even more potent.

"Sacre Bleu, dis is not good at all, time to take out de kitty cat, oui mon ami?" said Remy.

"Meow, meow, want milk, want fish too, purr, purr," said Creed rubbing his sideburns against Remy's cheek.

"Merde," whispered Remy.

In the Danger Room, Logan was feeling a very happy feral indeed. Storm, the beautiful, noble, wise, compassionate and regal X-Woman was very grateful to him for rescuing her. They were floating a couple of feet of the ground, borne aloft by one of her winds, the gentle breeze ruffling her long white hair and his shaggy sable hair and muttonchops. She had her arms around him in the most tender of embraces and he was holding tightly to her as well, this wasn't just so that he wouldn't fall either. She kissed him gently on the lips and he kissed her back.

"Ororo darlin, I just want ya ta know that yer beautiful."

"Logan despite your rough looks you are a true gentleman and beautiful too in your own feral way. Let me reward you again for rescuing me,"

They kissed once more and then they were gazing deep into each others eyes seeing the love they felt for each other. A beautiful tender moment which meant it was a shame that it was so rudely interrupted.

"Oh enough with the slushy romance already please; you know that's not what our viewers want to see. I'll tell you what they want, gratuitous violence and lots of gore. So enough with the kissing and let's see some action alright," boomed Mojo.

Blue eyes and hazel eyes glared at him murderously and then Ororo set Logan gently down on the floor. The two exchanged glances and then nodded to each other.

"We might as well give the 'gentleman' what he wants Logan," said Ororo before blasting Mojo with a lightning bolt.

"Hey no need to do this, look I'll do you a very generous contract and an 8 % franchise share," yammered the obese entity.

Logan simply snarled then leapt with claws extended and performed some very gratuitous violence on Mojo which resulted in lots of gore sufficient to please the most bloodthirsty of viewers. Ororo looked away and waited until Logan had calmed down.

"Now where were we darlin, before we were interrupted?"

"I was going to give you another kiss."

This they did ignoring the moaning Mojo behind them.

Bobby meanwhile had finally met his match in the form of some arriving X-Babies and was once again running for his life hotly pursued by X-Baby versions of Wolverine, Sabretooth, Cable, Bishop, Gambit, Rogue, Storm and Mystique. He was also now covered in green paint from an unfortunate encounter with the X-Baby versions of himself, Jubilee and Beast but that hadn't been the worse part. No that had been being cornered by an X-Baby Cyclops who told him that he needed to grow up a little bit. After that he had sort of lost his temper and yelled about giving the whole lot of them some fierce punishment thus riling the most dangerous and savage of all the X-Babies who were now pursuing him.

"Help, Hank, Logan, Rogue, Remy, anyone come and save me!" yelled Bobby frantically trying to dislodge the Snaggletooth clinging to the seat of his pants by its teeth.

"Now should I go and save the poor sap or shall I finish my beer first? Yeah I'll finish my beer," muttered Hank to himself as Bobby rushed past. He scratched his chin thoughtfully then shrugged, why interfere and spoil all the fun that Bobby was having.

Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately for Bobby he then ran into Sabretooth.

"Help someone let me out of this wardrobe. Oh thank you Scott, look at what that furry blue freak did to my bedroom, the bed, and my clothes. Oh Scott it's just been so awful," began Jean as soon as he blasted open the wardrobe door with an optic blast.

Then she stopped as she noticed the complete absence of sympathetic platitudes from Scott, who still hadn't expressed any grief for her hair. A quick scan of his mind showed that he had worried thoughts but they weren't for her. How could he be so selfish and unreasonable and not be completely devastated by her misfortune? Men could be such pigs at times.

"Honey bunny, we've got a problem," said Scott pointing to the door.

Jean gaped in astonishment at the weird and wonderful sight before her eyes as Jubilee/Sinister smiled malevolently at her.

"Now I have both of you and I shall use you to breed a race of super-mutants! Now you shall all bow before the might of Sinister!"

Then she suddenly stopped shook her head and tore of the glasses, wiped the talc of her face using a corner of Jean's sheet and rushed off. She returned a couple of minutes later having applied liberal amounts of talc to her hair, wearing all red clothes, a red sheet for a cape and a bucket on her head.

"I am Magneto Master of Magnetism, the most powerful mutant on Earth," she yelled triumphantly.

"Certainly the most annoying," whispered Jean to Scott.

"No dear that privilege goes to you," whispered back Scott.

"Help someone help, please I'm sorry for being such a jerk and I'll never play another prank again, well not for a day or two at least. Sabretooth please let me go, I can't breathe. Help me, Hank where are you, save me," yelled Bobby at the top of his lungs, voice now nothing more than a hoarse croak.

"Meow, Bobby kitty cats friend. Kitty like Bobby, purr, purr," rumbled Sabretooth hugging his 'friend' even more tightly. Meanwhile the X-Babies looked on quite unable to know what to make of this situation.

"Just you come back here with Betsy you little munchkin jerks," snarled Bishop chasing after Creepy Crawler, Wolvie and Misty Q who had stolen his gun. Giggling the three miniature menaces rushed off which Bishop in hot pursuit.

"What in tarnation am ah going tah do with yah, yah lovable little rascal," called Rogue half angry/half flattered when she had found the Remy X-Baby trying to peer in at her while she was in the shower.

Were there no X-Men around to save poor Bobby's hide. Wait there in the distance the familiar battle cry of "stars and garters" as a blue furry form half werewolf/half gorilla, the ever loving bouncy blue Beast, that fuzzy blue superstar Hank came rushing to the rescue.

X-Babies scattered in panic as Hank first howled like a wolf and then gave a ferocious growl that would have been worthy of Wolverine. Sabretooth turned to greet his new friend as Hank crouched and then sprang straight at him. Three hundred and fifty pounds of muscle and blue fur slammed into his chest knocking him flying to slam his head against the wall. Creed slumped to the ground in a heap.

"Ouch," growled Sabretooth and then he closed his eyes and decided to take a short sleep. Fortunately he wasn't seriously hurt.

"Don't worry Bobby you're safe now," said Hank offering Bobby a massive hand so he could rise to his feet.

Bobby flung his arms around Hank hugging him tight, burying his face in the furry shoulder sobbing quietly. Hank gently put his arms around Bobby holding him gently soothing him and letting him feel the comfort of the warm embrace. Though he may have been giving in to feral tendencies at the moment he was still the same gentle, compassionate man at heart. Once again he was there for Bobby to be the loving indulgent older brother to Bobby's mischievous younger brother. 

"It's alright Bobby I'm always here for you if you need me."

"Thanks Hank you're a great pal,"

Hank began to purr contentedly himself as Bobby began very gently to stroke the soft, warm blue fur. Hank's blue eyes flicked shut and he gently leaned his head against Bobby's shoulders, shifting position slightly so that Bobby could scratch him behind the ears.

"Well Remy glad dat those two are quiet now. Perhaps now dere will be no more trouble. Merde!" gulped Remy who had finally come out from his hiding place in the kitchen. He suddenly found his ankle grabbed by a just waking Creed. 


	8. Dark Beast Comes To Play

**Dark Beast Comes To Play**

****

"Meow, purr, purr, want to play with Remy," rumbled Sabretooth as he took a firm hold of Remy's ankle digging in his claws for a more secure grip. Then ignoring the colorful French curses being uttered by the agonized Cajun he began dragging his prize behind him. He was planning a little trip back to the catnip bush and a nice game of cat and mouse with his good 'friend' Remy. Suddenly a raw steak landed on the floor right in front of him. Creed promptly let go of Remy and fell on the steak eagerly devouring it. Unfortunately his enjoyment was to be rather short lived since the steak contained enough tranquilizers to render an entire herd of buffalo unconscious. Creed yawned then toppled backwards right on top of Remy. The Cajun muttered a few choice curse words since he was now buried under the considerable bulk of the snoozing feral.

"Merde, dis really isn't Remy's day,"

"Oh don't worry Remy, if you think it's been bad so far then believe me it's going to get a whole lot worse," chuckled a somehow familiar voice.

Creed was lifted off Remy as if he weighed no more than a housecat and Remy gulped nervously as he looked up into a pair of unblinking savage yellow eyes. Another chuckle and a cold fang-filled grin, before a massive clawed hand reached up and grabbed him by the collar heaving him to his feet.

"Oui mon ami, dis is much worse already," groaned Remy as an iron grip took him painfully by the shoulder and he was dragged none too gently out the back door and in the direction of the basketball court.

"So once again we meet Charles, my oldest and best friend and yet my greatest adversary. It saddens me that you still pursue your naïve and fruitless dream of peaceful coexistence between mutants and human when we both know my way is the only way. Join me in my course so that homo superior can take it's rightful place, why are you looking at me like that?" asked Jubilee/Magneto as she noticed Jean and Scott were looking at her as though she had gone just a little crazy.

"Well apart from the fact that you're wearing a bucket on your head I'm actually Jean Grey not Charles Xavier," said Jean.

"Sorry but well you're a bald telepath, really an easy mistake to make," muttered Jubilee somewhat apologetically.

Scott made the mistake of bursting into laughter and was promptly pelted by paperclips which were thrown by Jubilee's magnetic power, actually a handy hairdryer. Jean took advantage of the distraction to telekinetically entangle Scott in her sheet, fling him into the open wardrobe; slam shut the door and turns it to face the wall. She would probably take pity on him and let him out in a few hours, if she remembered. When she looked around Jubilee had disappeared once again.

"I wonder who she'll be this time," she sighed and sure enough a minute or two later Jubilee was back. To Jean's considerable surprise she was wearing her normal attire and Jean hoped that this meant she was back to normal.

"Good to see you're back to your old self Jubilee," said Jean with a smile.

"Once again my shape-shifting has fooled even your great mind Jean Grey. For you see I'm Mystique, merely choosing to take the form of Jubilee," smirked Jubilee.

A loud groan emanated from the wardrobe and Jean Grey buried her face in her hands and began very quietly to sob. Jubilee shook her head and sighed, those people really had a problem but still what could you expect from the X-Men.

"What shall I do next, oh yes I'd better assemble a new Brotherhood of Evil Mutants," satisfied Jubilee set off to look for Sabretooth since he'd make an excellent member.

"Now Scott that she's gone you're finally going to listen to how awful things have been for me and when I'm absolutely certain you're genuinely sympathetic I will let you go,"

Scott sighed wearily; he was probably going to be stuck in this wardrobe for a very long time.

"Ya know I thought I'd got rid of all those freaking X-Babies, hang on I don't seem ta recall seeing Sugar Man, Apocalypse, Dark Beast and Holocaust. Hang on a minute, this don't smell right, aw hell not real X-Babies," snarled Logan unsheathing his claws.

"By the goddess, what infamy is this? Oh my Snaggletooth, Misty Q and Sinister, Juggernaut, Magneto, Blob, Pyro and Avalanche. You know if they weren't so evil they would be cute," whispered Ororo.

Mojo had taken the sensible option and fled back to the Mojoverse some time ago but he'd left his creations behind. Now Logan and Ororo were backed up against the wall as the twelve miniature menaces slowly advanced upon them. Logan's growl was matched by Snaggletooth and Dark Beastie while Misty Q looked at him lovingly. Ororo was definitely worried about the look in the Apocalypse's X-Baby's eyes.

"Get that Storm for me boys, she's going to be my slave and do all the cooking and the washing up for us. Also she will have the privilege of telling me how great I am," boomed the little Apocalypse.

"In yer dreams bub!" roared Logan; nobody was getting their hands on his Ororo.

Apocalypse smirked and with a wave of his hand the X-Babies rushed forward, Snaggletooth and Dark Beast sinking their fangs into his shins. As he cursed and limped about trying to shake off the firmly attached X-Babies, he was blasted by Holocaust, Avalanche and Pyro which knocked him flat on his back. Juggernaut, Sugar Man and Blob sat on his chest pinning him to the ground while Misty Q advanced upon him and began smothering him with kisses.

"Yer all going ta get a taste of claw city fer this bubs," snarled Logan weakly.

Fortunately a fight had broken out between Apocalypse, Sinister and Magneto as to who was actually in charge and Ororo was able to take advantage of the distraction to go off and find some help. If the X-Babies had just taken down the most ferocious of all X-Men then who could possibly stand a chance against them? Perhaps she would have to unleash the deadliest force of all upon them, Bobby and Hank on sugar highs!

"No use begging me for mercy Remy, the only way you will get me to stop is by telling me what I need to know," snarled Dark Beast.

Remy shivered, he was quite helpless at the moment firmly tied to the basketball post. The gray-furred mutant was giving him a cold, vicious grin and those savage eyes held not a hint of compassion. Remy shuddered at the thought of enduring another minute of that dreadful torture. Too late, here he came again stretching out those massive hands, slowly and deliberately letting Remy see those sharp claws. Then the claws came again scraping all the way down the metal post to which he was tied. He shuddered as the vibrations of the post sent his innards quivering, fighting against the rising tide of nausea. The noise was far worse than fingernails on a blackboard and Remy was howling for mercy, pleading, swearing to do anything to make it stop.

"Remy I am a man of reason, I will stop this if you tell me what I want to know," said Dark Beast almost soothingly.

"Mon ami, Remy would gladly tell you but he not know what you want since you neglected to say what it is you want," gasped Remy breathlessly.

"Oops my bad, just wanted to get some fun in first. I simply want to know where my blue furry counterpart is keeping his experimental Twinkies," said McCoy with mock sorrow.

Sweating Remy told McCoy exactly where the Twinkies were and what the effects were. A broad friendly grin lit up Dark Beast's face and he gave Remy a pat on the head. Then he leaned so close that Remy nearly sneezed from McCoy's sideburns tickling his nose. 

"See that wasn't so bad now was it and as a reward for your cooperation the torture will now stop," whispered McCoy in Remy's ear.

"Remy get his freedom now oui?" asked Remy hopefully but then his heart sank as a malevolent grin spread across the furry face.

"No!" McCoy gave him a vicious grin and liberally doused Remy with the catnip he'd earlier ripped from the bush. Another pat on the head, one last growling chuckle and he loped off to find his prize. Remy meanwhile was shuddering uncontrollably as a loud purr told him that Sabretooth was about to arrive!

"Well curse my stars and garters, I'm so evil that sometimes I even frighten myself!" purred McCoy.

Ororo raised an eyebrow when she found Hank polishing off the last of the beer. As far as she knew this was also the first time she'd ever seen him looking quite like this. Black T-shirts, ripped denim jeans and leather jackets were not the usual sort of attire for him. She just hoped that he wasn't so far gone to the feral side that he would have no interest in helping her. A pair of still kindly if a little wild blue eyes gave her the once over then with a loud whoop Hank sprang straight for her giving her a kiss and a hug so tight he nearly broke three ribs.

"Storm my darling; you look as lovely as ever," 

"Hank, I need your help," began Ororo as soon as she'd recovered from her near heart failure. Hank listened sympathetically as she explained Logan's predicament and she was nearly deafened by Hank yelling loudly for Bobby. Bobby appeared wearing, well it looked like one of Cyclops's old costumes but the colors, made it look like a drunken rainbow.

"We need to rescue my fellow feral Wolverine Bobby," said Hank.

"OK partner," 

Hank knelt and hefted Bobby up and onto his shoulders, charging off with a loud yell and Ororo wondered whether after all this really had been such a good idea. 

"Hello darlin," growled a small voice and she turned to see the little Wolvie grinning at her.

"Want to come help me rescue your big brother?" asked Ororo hopefully.

The Wolverine X-Baby grinned. An opportunity to prove that he was the best there is at what he did, causing chaos. Of course he faced stiff competition in that regard from Jubilee, Hank and Bobby.


	9. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

**No Good Deed Goes Unpunished**

****

"Merde, Sacre Bleu, dis is not happening, no Remy not a scratching post, no not more of dis rubbing against me. Please Remy can't take it any more," pleaded Remy.

"Purr, purr, purr, catnip, purr, love catnip, purr, purr, like Remy too, Remy kitty's friend, purr, purr, purr," rumbled Sabretooth as he rubbed his head against Remy's chest nearly breaking his ribs. An over affectionate and friendly Creed was just as lethal as the usual savage, bloodthirsty feral. He'd already sharpened his claws on Remy's arm, drawing rivulets of blood and when he snuggled up against him he very nearly smothered the poor Cajun.

"Remy sugah ah'm here tah rescue yah, sorry it took me so long," came the sweet southern drawl which had never been more welcome to Remy's ears.

"Meow kitty play with new friend, purr, purr," called Sabretooth eagerly bounding up to Rogue. He rather foolishly rubbed his head against her face and as a result his energy was drained and he took unexpected catnip. Rogue shook herself thankful that Creed's usual personality was suppressed; it was much easier to fight off the kitty feelings although she did have a sudden craving for some tuna and a bowl of milk. Shaking her head she went over and easily broke the Cajun's bonds, cradling him tenderly in her arms and setting him gently down on the ground.

"Who in tarnation did this tah yah sugah?"

"B-b-beast," whispered Remy before passing out.

"Ah've had it with Hank on his sugah high and his pranks, ah'm going tah make him wish he'd never been born," shrieked Rogue picking up the unconscious Creed and Remy and flying to her room. Unfortunately she'd jumped to conclusions and blamed the wrong Beast.

As for the Dark Beast, the real perpetrator of Remy's woes he was still looking for the Twinkies having found none in the lab. Well it just looked as though he'd have to find another X-Man and 'persuade' them to show him where the Twinkies were. He smiled toothily to himself as his twisted mind thought up yet more devious and diabolical tortures he could inflict on an unsuspecting victim. Maybe he'd force his victim to listen to his rendition of "I am the very model of a modern major general" which usually had them begging for mercy within the first stanza. His pointed ears pricked as he heard a very unusual sound indeed, Wolverine whimpering, what could possibly have happened except maybe a shopping marathon with Jubilee to get the feral so terrified. Dark Beast peered through the open Danger Room door and his yellow eyes went wide with shock.

"Well curse my stars and garters,"

Logan was now being held down by the X-Babies while a grinning Sinister X-Baby got a pair of scissors and began to cut off the feral's muttonchops. McCoy stroked his own sideburns subconsciously and winced in sympathy. It looked as though worse was to come as well since Snaggletooth was clutching a bottle of Nair and the Holocaust and Sugar Man X-Babies were just slipping off Logan's boots while the Dark Beast X-Baby was clutching a large feather and cackling with glee.

"Now if I rescue Logan from this dreadful fate he should feel honor bound to provide me some assistance in return," muttered McCoy scratching his chin thoughtfully.

He grinned and then charged into the room snarling and showing his fangs in a savage grin, claws extended. The X-Babies looked up at what was apparently a rabid werewolf or a berserk Sasquatch and shrieked in terror before scattering in all directions. All except for Misty Q who was looking up at McCoy having found her latest crush and the little Dark Beast who was looking at McCoy with something akin to awe. Dark Beast sighed and went over to Logan.

"Now Logan I expect you'll be grateful for, what the heck!" gulped Dark Beast as Logan snarled and then popped out his claws placing them at McCoy's tender throat.

"What are ya doing here shaggy, nothing good I expect so yer in fer a taste of adamantium," he growled.

"Please I beg of you let me live, I surrender, have mercy, spare me, quarter, I yield," whined McCoy. He was an intelligent villain and well versed in begging for mercy, usually all you needed to dissuade an angry hero from killing you. He dropped to his knees and looked at Logan beseechingly.

"I did just save your life you know, I could have left you to them," he muttered. Then he breathed a sigh of relief as the claws were retracted.

"Yeah yer right about that so ya get ta live. Now why don't ya tell me what yer doing here before I change my mind and pop a claw through yer brain or something?" growled Logan still angry.

McCoy gave one his practiced innocent smiles and shrugged his furry shoulders before launching into a long drawn out monologue designed to lull his listeners into an advanced state of fatigue and boredom. Finally as he saw those fierce hazel eyes begin to glaze over, he finally got to the point and mentioned the Twinkies.

"So why don't you come and help me find them Logan since I did save your life and this way as well you could make sure I don't cause any more trouble," he concluded with a wide fang-filled grin and a friendly pat on the back.

"Yeah whatever," growled Logan with a heavy sigh nodding his agreement. 

McCoy waited until Logan's back was turned before allowing himself a triumphant smirk.

"What do we have here, a pint sized Wolverine and the beautiful Storm, well you shall be no match for me, Emma Frost, White Queen of the Hellfire Club,"

Little Wolvie's eyes went quite wide and Ororo hastily interposed herself in front of the X-Baby as she really didn't think the sight of Jubilee in what appeared to be some of Jean Grey's riskier lingerie was suitable for his eyes. It also seemed that Jubilee had borrowed some of Jean's hair dye since her black hair was now blonde.

"I see the little one fears me," cooed Jubilee/Emma Frost.

"This ain't fear, this is anticipation darlin," called the little Wolvie earning him a clip round the ear by Ororo.

"Jubilation Lee go to your room at once and by the Goddess put some clothes on," said Storm in her most commanding tones sending a small lightning bolt after Jubilee.

"Aw why did ya have ta go and do that," moaned Wolvie.

"Because little one if you're anything like my Logan, I know you too well," sighed Ororo.

Then Jubilee came back this time wearing more clothes, although red leather was still rather risqué and her hair was still dyed blonde.

"Well Storm care to fight your old foe Candra again?"

"By the goddess, give me strength!" groaned Ororo as a localized rainstorm took shaped around her.

"Help somebody let me out of here, please I'm begging you let me out," cried Scott.

"Don't worry I'll get you with old Betsy," called Bishop as he rushed into the room having heard Scott's frantic cries for help.

"No wait," protested Scott knowing Bishops tendency to get a little carried away when it came to guns but too late.

Rogue had tucked Remy into his bed and was now looking for Hank and Bobby with the still unconscious Creed slung over her shoulder. Flying swiftly down the corridors she soon came across the pair as they were heading towards the Danger Room. Calling to get their attention she then flung the hefty bulk of Sabretooth straight at them.

"Warning, incoming ballistic feral, dive for cover, dive for cover," yelped Hank dodging aside just in time.

"Oh man," groaned Bobby as Creed landed heavily on top of him pinning him to the floor. Creed yawned and blinked once or twice before awakening. Looking down at the trapped Bobby he grinned goofily, purred and began rubbing against Iceman.

"Purr, purr, meow, kitty want milk," begged a hopeful feral.

"Ah'm going tah kick yah furry blue butt into the middle of next week for what yah did tah Remy," snarled Rogue.

"Is this about the hair dye incident because I apologize unreservedly for that ma'am," gulped Hank bounding around and frantically trying to dodge Rogue's punches.

"No ah'm talking about chaining mah poor Remy tah the basketball post and covering him all over with catnip for Creed tah come and use him as a scratching post. Now why don't yah stand still sugah and take yah punishment like a man."

"I'm a furry blue gorilla so sorry but no. Honestly though you've got the wrong Beast."

"Remy said the word "Beast" just before he passed out sugah, ah don't think he was mistaken," snapped Rogue finally managing to grab Hank by the scruff of the neck.

"Wait chere, dat de wrong Beast you got there," called Remy as he dashed down the corridor.

Rogue stopped as Remy told her about the appearance of Hank's evil twin and she then looked around at the damage she'd caused, massive holes had been punched in the walls, a rare Ming vase demolished and worst of all she'd gotten plaster dust on her jacket. Shaking her head she set Hank down relatively gently and decided that she and Remy would be as well to just leave the insanity the mansion. First she turned to Hank and poked a gloved finger in his furry chest.

"Just make sure y'all stay out of trouble sugahs,"

Turning to Remy she gave him a dazzling smile.

"How about we go tah that nice restaurant yah promised tah take me to for dinner," she said with a smile.

"Dat is an excellent idea chere."

As they set off hand in hand Hank picked Creed gently up and managed to shove him away from Bobby who then iced up the corridor. Another shove sent Creed sliding along and straight into the kitchen where he found and ate a whole chicken, three tins of cat food, and a trifle, a string of sausages, a tin of baked beans and two packets of digestive biscuits washed down by gallons of milk. Purring contentedly after his gourmet meal he curled up under the table and went to sleep.

"Oh Hank, I just know I'm never going to be able to look at cats quite the same way again. Oh man I'm like totally wasted," moaned Bobby bursting into tears.

Hank wrapped his long powerful arms around Bobby in a gentle hug, holding him to his chest to comfort him, letting Bobby bury his face in his furry shoulder. Blue eyes twinkled as Hank came up with the perfect plan.

"Stars and garters, I know just the thing that will cheer you up!"


	10. No Mercy For McCoy

**No Mercy for McCoy**

****

Bishop was looking rather embarrassed as he stood amongst the ruins of Jean Grey's bedroom, splinters of wood all around him. Admittedly it had been quite thoroughly demolished by Beast's earlier antics but he really should have known better than to use such a high powered handgun when he could have easily freed Scott using brute strength alone. Still he just loved guns and loud noisy explosions so he guessed the temptation had just proved too much. Still apart from cuts and bruises Scott seemed fine although he was standing very still and trembling slightly, his costume was pretty torn up so maybe that was why he seemed a little upset.

"Hey Cyclops are you alright?" asked Bishop.

A wide smile spread across Scott's face and he suddenly burst into manic laughter before charging out of the room.

"I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout. When the water's boiling hear me shout, tip me up and pour me out! Yes I'm a teapot, a teapot not a weasel or a goat or even a candle, I don't mean to gloat. Yes I'm a teapot, a pretty blue and pink one, I am teapot and now I must be gone," echoed Scott's voice in an eerie monotone.

"I guess the pressure just proved too much for him in the end," muttered Bishop with a sigh and a shrug. A tap on his shoulder sent him whirling round to come face to face with a very angry and still bald Jean whose wig was slightly askew.

"Oh hi Jean, listen I came right in here and well it was just like this. Darn, you can just read my thoughts and you know I'm lying, guess I'm really in for it now aren't I," Bishops voice rose to a squeak at the end of the sentence.

"You want to know why they call me the Phoenix. It's because of my fiery temper and you're about to be on the receiving end!" screeched Jean as Bishop cowered before her.

Dark Beast had made the wise choice of first suggesting a visit to the kitchen since he believed Logan would be a lot more amenable to his wishes once he'd had a beer or two. Besides he could murder some Twinkies of the conventional variety. Logan's eyes lit up at the mention of beer and he set off at such a pace that McCoy was forced to lope along on all fours to keep up. Once in the kitchen Logan frowned at seeing the scattered food and general devastation. Sniffing the air he caught that all too familiar scent and a glance under the table showed Creed curled up fast asleep. Logan poked Creed in the ribs with his toe and the feral grunted a little but didn't wake up. Well seeing that Creed was like an overgrown kitty cat at the moment he wasn't likely to be much of a danger and Logan decided to just leave him alone. He grinned deciding not to mention Sabretooth's presence to McCoy, letting the furry gray mutant find out for himself seemed like the best course of action.

"Well stars and garters, this kitchen looks in quite a state, don't tell me Jubilee needed a sugar rush again," enquired McCoy, shaggy brow rising quizzically.

"Yeah, something like that bub," growled Logan taking a refreshing sip of beer. It came in handy having three built in tin openers on each hand. Catching his reflection in the shiny metal blades he frowned, sideburns still weren't just so but it would be the work of moments to get them right. Those adamantium claws made handy razors as well.

McCoy went over to the fridge selected most of the food that hadn't already been consumed by Sabretooth for a light snack and headed over to the table to eat his meal. Unfortunately for Dark Beast Creed chose that moment to awaken, looking up he saw McCoy, purred loudly and then sprang before the astonished mutant could react. McCoy yelped as he was engulfed in a crushing hug, ribs creaking and there was a loud crunch as his shoulder was painfully dislocated. Then Creed was purring deafeningly as he rubbed his head against the furry face and pausing only to spit out a mouthful of gray fur while McCoy grimaced as the large wet tongue gave him an affectionate lick.

"Curse my stars and garters, get the hell of me you overgrown hairball," snarled McCoy.

"Purr, purr, kitty give brother big hug, meow kitty like brother," rumbled Creed.

"I am not your freaking brother Creed, what has possessed you to think that we could be, in any way shape or form related?"

"Well ya got claws and fangs just like me, ya got yellow eyes just like me, ya got muttonchops just like I have and yer even hairier than I am, and only ya got soft gray fur just like a kitty cat. Meow, purr, purr, McCoy Creed's brother and he will hug him and love him and never let him go,"

"Logan a little help here, please I'm begging you," pleaded McCoy beseechingly.

Logan took a long sip of his beer, looked McCoy straight in the eye and grinned broadly taking sadistic delight in the man's desperation.

"No bub, I'm just going ta sit back and enjoy the show," chuckled Logan.

Hank's plans had been curtailed by the arrival of Storm who was getting just a little impatient with them. A crackle of electricity had sent his fur standing on end and he'd hastily agreed to go and search the Danger Room with Bobby in tow. Once there they faced a deadly surprise in the form of an ambush by Misty Q, Hank escaped unscathed but Bobby was practically smothered in kisses. The rest of X-Baby Apocalypse's little gang had attacked but thanks to Hank's distracting them with a display of his acrobatic prowess Bobby finally managed to imprison them all behind an ice wall. Unfortunately they found no trace of Logan except for a few scraps of flannel shirt and a pair of cowboy boots. Hank shook his head sadly and decided that he might as well see if he could pick up the feral's scent. Unwisely taking a sniff at the boots he nearly collapses overcome by nausea.

"Hank, are you alright old buddy?"

"Stars and garters, I think so, well since Logan plainly isn't here we'll have to take the search elsewhere. I believe Ororo is rounding up all the X-Babies so she'll be occupied for a while. I suggest we start our search by the pool outside. I fancy a bit of a dip and I'm already wearing my trunks so I don't see any problems," 

"Except your fur clogging up the drain again, still I don't think you're shedding too much at the moment. Yeah let's do it," 

With that Beast and Iceman set off to have some fun, leaving the captured X-Babies behind, not that a little something like being encased in ice would keep them down for long.

McCoy had relaxed within Creed's grip realizing that if he just went limp the iron grip might loosen just a fraction. It did and straining with all his considerable strength McCoy broke free of Creed's grasp, toppling backwards to bang his head painfully against the table. As Creed gazed down at him with mingled affection, concern and bewilderment McCoy was thinking rapidly. He jerked his thumb in the direction of Logan and was relieved as Creed's gaze then focused on Logan. Logan was too busy slapping his sides and roaring with mirth to notice what was about to happen.

"Brother Dear observe that small feral over there, doesn't he look a lot like you? I think he could very well be your brother and I'm sure he would like it if you went over and gave him a nice big hug," said Dark Beast in a saccharine sweet tone.

"Purr, purr, meow kitty go and hug Logan, brother right as usual," rumbled Creed.

Dark Beast nodded enthusiastically and then winced as he managed to push his shoulder back in place. Groaning he staggered to his feet, aching all over his body, ribs feeling as though they had been reduced to splinters, shoulder absolute agony and he was beginning to develop a splitting headache. Maybe it would be best to cut his losses and quit while he was still relatively in one piece. He could always try hacking into Hank's computer and acquire the Twinkie recipe that way with the minimum chance of any injury except possibly an RSI. First though he would catch his breath and enjoy seeing how Logan felt to be on the receiving end of Creed's affections.

"I'm going ta get ya fer this ya fuzz-ball if it's the last thing I ever do! Do ya hear me shaggy yer really going ta get a taste of adamantium right in yer gut," snarled Logan somewhat breathlessly since he was being snuggled near to death by Creed.

"I think not Logan. Hasta la vista baby," sneered McCoy waving a hand in farewell.

Despite his injuries Dark Beast was feeling pretty pleased with himself, after all he'd gotten the chance to cause the X-Men a not inconsiderable amount of trouble and well if he hadn't gotten the Twinkie recipe, he'd surely be able to duplicate it easily. Suddenly he was nearly given a heart attack as something leapt out at him from the shadows. This time Jubilee was wearing a quasi-Medieval costume, was leaping about, wearing greenish makeup and was sticking out her tongue. McCoy scratched his chin in thought for a second and gave Jubilee a nod and a toothy grin.

"Yes you make a wonderful Toad my dear. Why don't you see if you can emulate me next," he purred.

Jubilee rushed off to do just that.

"I am a singing Christmas tree, will you oh will you marry me?" cackled Scott who rather disturbingly was dressed up as Father Christmas. 

"Not on your life," growled McCoy.

Maybe it would be best to escape while he still could, things were getting a little too bizarre around here even for his tastes. Shaking his furry head he sighed and thanked his lucky stars and garters that at least he wasn't going to have any more trouble. Of course this showed how little he knew.

As fate would have it Bobby and Hank had forgotten their towels and had just come back to collect them. Catching sight of his gray furred counterpart Hank gestured to Bobby who nodded. Quickly he iced up the floor and though McCoy dug in his claws his legs flew out from under him and he crashed heavily onto his posterior. Looking up he saw Iceman pulling faces and with a roar and a snarl of rage charged towards his enemy. In his blind fury he ran straight into Hank's fist. 

"Hello time to see which one of us is the real McCoy. Believe me when I say that this will hurt you a whole lot more than it hurts me. You see this bouncing blue Beast could do with a good scrap," growled Hank.

"Wait, lets talk about this," began McCoy before shrugging and lashing out with his claws. He might not have started this fight but he was going to finish it. Unfortunately he was unprepared for the sheer ferocity of Hank's attack and within seconds he was flying through the air to crash straight through a wall and land hard on the ground. McCoy lay prone groaning and his splitting headache was now a full blown migraine.

"Stars and garters, the boat, that's all she wrote," murmured McCoy before taking a short nap.

"What shall we do with him Hank?" asked Bobby eying the unconscious Dark Beast.

"My dear boy we shall have ourselves some fun. Pass me the Nair," ordered Hank with a sinister grin.


	11. Wolverine Versus The Beast

**Wolverine versus the Beast**

****

Logan grunted with the effort as he stretched his arm out as far as he could, sweat trickled down his face and he gritted his teeth straining with the effort. Still it wasn't quite enough to reach that last tin which lay just out of reach on the table. He estimated he was only about four inches away though, just far enough to reach with his claws. Snikt, the three adamantium blades popped out from between his knuckles easily tearing through the metal and sure enough, the aroma of the tin's contents reached his nostrils and those of Creed. The scent of tuna and since Creed was a kitty cat at present he adored fish. Logan grinned as Creed began to purr as he sniffed the air.

"Hey Vic, ya would love some of the fish wouldn't ya. Still yer going ta have ta let me go if ya want ta get the tin ain't ya. Why don't ya put me down and help yerself ta the tuna, smells delicious doesn't it?"

"Purr, purr, tuna, kitty want tuna," purred Creed.

Creed released Logan from the hug and rushed over to feast on the tuna. Logan grinned and rubbed his sore ribs, if it wasn't for his adamantium he was sure he'd have been crushed to death. As it was his healing factor had managed to save him from suffocation although he'd still found it hard to breathe without gagging on the overwhelming stench of catnip and whatever it was Creed had been rolling in. Plus his clothes were covered in little blonde hairs, his shirt was literally hanging in shreds, he was still missing his boots and his favorite leather jacket was now nothing but a memory. 

"Yeah I reckon I need ta go grab a shower. Then I'm going ta find McCoy and I'm going ta do something so nasty it'll scare even me?" he gave himself a wolfish grin at that thought.

"Yeah a shower, a beer, a new gray fur rug, that's all ya need ta make this Wolverine happy bub."

Bobby and Hank had found one little snag with their plans for Dark Beast, a total lack of Nair. It had seemed they'd used up the entire supply in sabotaging the showers. That left only one thing for it, to go and look for some more or failing that some of Jean's hair dye. Hank also wondered if he could find another of his experimental Twinkies, if Dark Beast was so curious about them, why not let the man find out for himself.

"I'll just go and see what I can rustle up Bobby; you stay and keep an eye on Dark Beast. I'm sure he'll be no trouble at all."

"Hey don't you worry Hank, Dark Beast won't be going anywhere since he's all tied up at the moment," 

Hank had to admit that Bobby had done a good job with those knots although maybe they ought to have iced him up as well just to be on the safe side. Still McCoy was probably going to be unconscious for some time to come and he'd only be gone a few minutes. He seriously doubted even Bobby would be able to get himself into trouble guarding the prisoner. Whistling a merry little tune to himself Hank went off on his search.

Within a minute of being left on his own the still sugar-high Bobby found boredom setting in. Idly he got to wondering about Dark Beast, was his fur as soft as Hank's? Well it wouldn't do any harm to just go over and touch him would it? As Bobby crept cautiously over he didn't notice the fact that one yellow eye had blinked then closed again. Dark Beast was very much awake just feigning unconsciousness now, waiting for the chance to get his revenge. Bobby was grinning rather goofily now as he just reached out, touched the fur and then screamed his head off as a clawed hand grabbed him by the throat.

"Hands of the fur Bobby, I'm afraid you're very much going to regret that. By the way don't think of icing up, all I have to do is squeeze. Think you can ice up faster than I can break your neck? Remember I'm stronger, faster, more agile and certainly more intelligent than you. If you're wise you'll surrender nicely and maybe I'll be merciful," growled Dark Beast.

"Oh man, I'm going to die," whispered Bobby.

"Oh my dear Bobby I'm not going to kill you, I've got something much more interesting in mind for you dear boy."

Blissfully unaware of his friend's danger Hank was feeling rather pleased with himself, he'd turned up several bottles of hair dye and a fresh batch of Nair. Now he was on his way back to see how Bobby was getting on when he was brought up short by a low growl. Hank blinked in surprise as a set of adamantium claws pointed towards his furry chest. A snarling, very angry and rather less hirsute than usual Logan was before him and Hank immediately knew he was in deep trouble. Of course the hair was already beginning to grow back but Logan was unlikely to be forgiving of this latest desecration of his sideburns.

"Hello Logan, you're not in a very good mood are you? Anything I can do to help?" asked Hank pleasantly.

"I've had with ya and yer blasted Twinkies so I'm afraid I'm going ta have ta teach ya a lesson fuzz-ball. Thanks ta ya my sideburns ain't ever gonna be the same, Jubilee thinks she's every villain in the book, yer gone feral, I got snuggled by a kitty Creed, Bobby's been even more Bobby than usual and in short it's doing my freaking head in! I ain't even had a shower in peace, 'cause of yer stupid pranks with that Nair. Just look what ya did ta my sideburns ya bouncing blue buffoon," Logan's voice rose to a growl as he finished his little speech.

"Stars and garters, I really am sorry," began Hank but he was caught short as Logan's fist slammed into his jaw.

Now it was Hank's turn to growl as he tasted blood on his lips and rubbed his aching jaw. Normally he would have forgiven Logan for punching him, calmed him down with soothing words. That's if he'd been his normal gentle compassionate self. However the present feral Hank, while still mostly gentle now had a feral temper. Hank growled deep in his throat and Logan suddenly got the sinking feeling that his trouble was only just beginning.

"I might not start a fight Logan but I will finish it. If you want to resort to using your fists then so will I," snarled Hank.

His first punch sent Logan smashing straight through a wall and into the wreckage of Jean's bedroom. The latest damage to her beloved bedroom combined with the fact that Logan's flailing claws had torn away her last wig proved too much for poor Jean. Screaming she ran off to lock herself in the bathroom while a very grateful Bishop flung himself at Logan kissing his boots and thanking him again and again for saving him. Logan growled and whirled to face Beast as he came bounding through the hole in the wall. Weighing up the options Bishop decided to do the sensible thing and retreat as quickly as possible.

"Still want to fight Logan? I'm looking forward to a good fight so let's see just how good you really are?"

"I'm the best there is bub!"

"Yes but I'm the beast there is my dear fellow. Tell me Logan have you ever wondered how it feels to be a football? I'll give you a little demonstration!"

Logan growled and charged raining down a furious series of punches which struck thin air. Beast leapt down from the ceiling and landing behind Logan grabbed him by the wrist and flung him high in the air. Dropping onto his back Hank proceeded to demonstrate his juggling skills using the angry Wolverine as a perfect substitute ball. Needless to say this did nothing to improve Logan's temper.

"Are you ready to surrender yet Logan? Remember what I did to Creed?"

"I'm going ta rip yer freaking head off Beast!"

"Dear me I wish you'd try to calm down, think of your blood pressure," sighed Hank with mock distress. He grinned toothily; this was going to be fun. He'd just use his agility to keep out of the way of those claws and just literally throw Logan around until he decided to give up. It was about time that the feral learnt a little lesson in humility.

"Now I can bench press about three thousand pounds. Now even with the adamantium you weigh only a fraction of that. Let's see how far can I throw a Wolverine?"

"Have yer fun while ya can fur-ball, yer going ta get a taste of claw city, just as soon as my head stops spinning."

Creed watched on in bemusement as Cyclops appeared now wearing a leather jacket, jeans, a flannel shirt and he had also died his hair blonde and put on yellow contact lenses. His feline curiosity was further aroused when Jubilee entered wearing a rather brief white dress and she'd put on a lot of blue makeup, yellow contact lenses and she'd dyed her hair red.

"Prepare for trouble," said Jubilee

"Make it double," said Scott.

"To conquer the world for the mutant race,"

"To be the threat all humans shall face."

"We renounce all foolish dreams of peace."

"You'll find our anger will not cease."

"Mystique!"

"Sabretooth"

"Evil mutants, no-one can withstand our might!"

"Surrender now or will you fight?"

"Meow Creed's head hurt," groaned Sabretooth.

Bobby had decided to take the wisest course of action and unconditionally surrender to Dark Beast and after he'd been made to repeatedly beg for mercy his submission had finally been accepted. Now he was being half dragged, half escorted down the corridors as McCoy returned to his desperate search for the experimental Twinkies. Suddenly he came to an abrupt halt, banging his head painfully against Dark Beast's shoulder as the furry gray man stood transfixed by the rather bizarre sight before him. When he finished groaning and rubbing his head Bobby also found himself entranced. 

Using Logan as a football was certainly one of the more unorthodox uses for a feral and who would have ever thought that he would make such a good spinning top. The fight wasn't really going Logan's way and after being thrown through yet another wall the feral decided on a radically different course of action. Abject surrender was something one would never have thought they'd see in Logan.

"Please no more, ya win Hank, I'm sorry I punched ya, just no more."

"Oh but I was only getting warmed up, still I accept the surrender and let's just be friends shall we?"

Dark Beast was just about to congratulate his blue-furred counterpart on being such a good fighter when a panicked Storm crashed through the wall followed by every single X-Baby known to the X-Men and quite a few more besides.

"By the Goddess flee for your lives!"

"Oh man, I got a bad feeling about this," muttered Bobby.

"Freaking hell," growled Logan.

"Well curse my stars and garters," snarled McCoy.

"Get your own catchphrase Dark Beast," growled Hank.


	12. Change Of Heart

**Change Of Heart**

****

_X-Babies, dozens of them in an endless wave of insidious cuteness, overwhelming them by sheer weight of numbers, for every one electrocuted, clawed, frozen or pummeled two or three more would take their place. In the desperate struggle he'd got separated from the others as he was charged by a miniature Juggernaut while fending off the attentions of Snaggletooth who seemed to have a thing for biting people's ankles. He hadn't noticed his shoelaces being tied together and he tripped falling heavily to the ground. Kicking out desperately he'd pulled free of his boots managing to put an ice wall behind him. He estimated he staggered maybe a dozen yards before collapsing. The last thing he remembered was Misty Q advancing towards him with lips pursed and then nothing but blackness._

"Wake up now Bobby, stars and garters, wake up, you're quite safe now,"

_Was that really Hank's voice calling to him, was that really a furry hand he felt gently shaking his shoulder? No it couldn't be his friend, more likely that diabolical Dark Beast X-Baby had him in its clutches. But no the hand was far too large, it could only belong to Hank couldn't it. The gentle shaking was continuing and now he moaned slightly, stirring from his unconscious haze. He reached up blindly, not quite up to opening his eyes yet and his probing fingers brushed across a face. Pointed ears, shaggy sideburns, fangs and most importantly of all the face was covered in soft fur. It was Hank, he was safe._

"You're awake Bobby; oh you don't know how glad this makes me!"

Bobby blinked and opened his eyes looking up into the furry face and with sudden terror he realized he wasn't safe at all. This was Henry McCoy but not the gentle bouncing blue beast but the savage, sadistic scientist known as Dark Beast. The gray fur made him far more like a werewolf than a gorilla and those yellow eyes were gleaming with unholy joy and bloodlust.

"So much more satisfactory to have a conscious victim," low rumbling, McCoy's voice was almost a purr.

"I suppose you're going to torture me to reveal where the Twinkies are kept?"

"No I'm going to kill you Bobby. What better way to gain my revenge on Hank than by taking the life of yet another one of those he holds dear. Oh his heart will surely break when he comes across the lifeless corpse of his best friend, knowing that he arrived too late to save him! Oh stars and garters, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside!" howled McCoy with savage joy.

"Well I'll soon put you on ice Dark Beast, what the heck?" gulped Bobby as he tried to ice up, to no avail.

Dark Beast grinned and reached out with his claws, ripping the sleeve of Bobby's shirt and revealing a small puncture mark in the skin. Glancing from that to the empty hypodermic syringe in McCoy's other claw Bobby realized he must have been injected with some kind of nullifying solution. Without his powers he was helpless against McCoy's superior strength and speed. He struggled frantically but the hand closed inexorably around his throat and began to squeeze.

Logan and Hank were feeling lucky to have got out with their hides intact. Ororo had been the lucky one, little Wolvie had bravely fought off the advancing Blob, Sugar Man, Toad and Sinister X-Babies to save her. Then he'd given her a little bow, kissed her hand and enchanted she'd wandered off with them. By this point Logan and Hank had been back to back, surrounded by heaps of defeated X-Babies, Apocalypse X-Baby had just fallen and now the few survivors led by the Dark Beast X-Baby were running screaming for their lives. They thought the worst was over but the true danger was yet to come. The female X-Babies had arrived charging them en masse, intent not on physical violence but something possibly much worse. The little arms were spread wise to hug, lips pursed to kiss and they were making puppy dog eyes at them. 

Poor Hank and Logan were too gentlemanly to hurt women and so could only defend themselves by gently trying to push away the overfriendly X-Babies. Their efforts were to no avail as giggling and squealing with delight the little Mystique, Selene, Candra, Emma Frost, Psylocke, Rogue, Jubilee, Shadowcat, Jean Grey, Storm, Dazzler and Marrow swarmed over them. Logan and Hank were brought to their knees and almost smothered with kisses as the adorable little ladies showed their affection. Eager little hands yanked on hair and furs, pulling out clumps, sideburns were eagerly tugged provoking howls of pain. Finally they were saved as Remy appeared round the corner having come back from his meal with Rogue. The handsome X-Man was forced to flee for his life while Logan and Hank surveyed the damage.

"Stars and garters, I thought you were usually the one who ended up with their shirt ripped in every battle. You know I've always wondered just how many costumes you must have considering the rate you get through them, maybe you have a clothing healing factor," murmured Hank inspecting his now shredded clothing.

Logan simply growled and ignored Hank's babbling the poor furry blue doctor seemed in a state of shock. Logan sighed heavily as he rubbed his muttonchops now sadly desecrated once again; someone must really have it in for his facial hair. He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Creed's arrival until he heard a startled 'stars and garters' and turned to see Creed grabbing Hank by the throat.

"Yer in fer it now fuzz-ball, I'm going ta pay ya back fer all the humiliation. As ya can see bub I'm not a kitty cat any more, I'm a lion again, king of the freaking jungle and yer going ta bleed," snarled Creed.

"Oh yeah ya think yer tough well let's see how ya like this," growled Logan, slashing his adamantium claws into the most sensitive portion of Creed's anatomy causing the agonized feral to drop Hank.

Hank winced in sympathy at Creed's pain and wisely decided to make his escape while Logan and Creed were locked in mortal combat. His ears twitched as his keen hearing picked up a desperate cry for help coming from some distance away. Bobby, it was Bobby. Hank dropped to all fours ready to bound into action to save the one who meant so much to him.

Dark Beast was grinning savagely as slowly, terribly slowly he closed his hand millimeter by millimeter inexorably tightening his grip around Bobby's tender throat. He was taking his time enjoying the gurgling and desperate gasps for breath, the look of mortal terror in Bobby's eyes. He'd let him scream knowing that nobody would hear him. He would keep on squeezing until the last drop of life had been choked out of Bobby's body and then he'd keep on squeezing. He wouldn't stop until the vertebrae were ground to powder and the head lolled limply to the chest.

"I've got a crush on you Bobby, say what, Aiiiiieeeee!" howled McCoy as something large, blue and furry plowed into him knocking him flying into a wall.

Bobby groaned rubbing his bruised throat and too weak to stand just lay their panting and watching the vicious fight taking place between the two Beasts. If not for the fur he would have been hard pressed to tell the two Beasts apart. For once he could find no trace of Hank McCoy in his blue furred friend, no there was simply the Beast. Blue eyes holding no trace of warmth simply rage and hatred for his foe, this time there would be no mercy for McCoy. He was growling, snarling like an animal revealing those sharp fangs and the claws were extended ready to rip through fur and flesh. Bobby knew that little of this was down to Hank's present feral tendencies; this was rage at his enemy for daring to hurt his friend.

"You will bleed Dark Beast; I owe you great pain for trying to kill my friend. I'm going to leave you bloodied and broken, wounded cowering and defenseless and pleading for your life. Then I'll leave it up to Bobby whether he wants mercy for you or not."

"Oh this fight may actually be interesting for a change. Come then, let's see what you've got," chuckled McCoy.

They charged each other, blurs of gray and blue and red, for their was blood already spurting as the claws came into play. Bobby winced seeing Hank slashed across the ribs but McCoy was already staggering from a gash to his thigh. They danced at range cautiously circling and looking for an opening, sledgehammer blows raining down on each other too fast for the eyes to follow. A fist to Hank's face broke his nose and nearly shattered his jaw and for a moment he was helplessly coughing blood. Then he was fighting back, punishing blows to McCoy's ribs trying to reduce them to broken jagged things. McCoy was gasping able to do little more than squeak as the breath was knocked out of him. Mercilessly Hank continued to bludgeon him until his opponent was at last pummeled to submission. A final blow to the jaw stunned Dark Beast and he lay helpless. Hank grabbed his enemy by the throat and for a moment considered twisting. He quickly banished the thought and grinned, he would show mercy of a sort.

"Open wide Dark Beast. Since you're so interested in my experimental Twinkies why don't you find out for yourself," growled Hank tilting McCoy's head back and forcing him to swallow.

Bobby shuddered as he saw the look of terror in Dark Beast's eyes and his mouth open in a silent scream of agony. What private hell was McCoy going through?

_Hundreds of the purple singing dinosaurs were chasing McCoy, arms spread wide to hug him as they sung, "I love you, you love me, and we're one big happy family."_

"Oh man, Hank you're hurt, I can't bear to see it when you get beat up so bad. Oh man you saved my life and oh Hank, I never thought I'd see you again," whispered Bobby eyes filling with tears.

Hank coughed a little blood and spat out a loose molar. One eye was already swelling shut, his nose was broken and probably so were a couple of ribs, he was limping but none of that mattered. He'd saved Bobby and that was all that mattered now. Seeing Bobby like that realizing that the Iceman was about to die had made him realize something now. He didn't think he could live in a world without Bobby, he hadn't realized this before but now something had changed. Now he just wanted to hug Bobby, never let him go, just keep him close to his heart, keep him safe.

"Oh Bobby, I don't think life would be worth living without you in it. Stars and garters, Bobby I need a hug," whispered Hank.

Bobby embraced Hank, burying his face in the furry chest and sobbing, tears soaking the blue fur. He felt Hank shudder with the pain and he loosened the grip, just hugging him lightly and holding him. Seeking to soothe the pain he gently stroked the fur, fingers digging deep into the luxuriant blue fur, down to the skin. Hank was comforting him too, stroking his hair gently with one of those clawed hands. Gentle blue eyes gazed deep into Bobby's and they saw something stir deep within each other's hearts.

Sometimes things can all of a sudden change in a friendship making you more than friends, sometimes bitter enemies and sometimes the friendship becomes something much more.

"Stars and garters, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yeah I think I am and you know what, I do, I love you fur-ball."

"I love you too Bobby but are you sure this is what you want?"

Bobby said no words but simply leaned forward and kissed Hank on the cheek, the fur was soft and warm under his lips. Hank gave a little purr and kissed Bobby back. Then they were embracing again heedless of the pain of Hank's ribs. Bobby chuckled as Hank scraped his claws gently down his ribs tickling him and then Hank was purring, lost in bliss as Bobby scratched him behind his ears. Sighing, they just gazed into each others eyes.

"Hank."

"Bobby."

They kissed again, deep and tenderly and it seemed as though it could go on forever.

"Are ya freakin kidding me, if it wasn't fer my healing factor, I'd have a heart attack right now," growled Logan.

The arrival of the feral put an unfortunate dampener on Hank and Bobby's blossoming romance.


End file.
